stage three - annoying comments & rumors from others | my happiness

after gaining a lot of weight, you would probably notice that others have noticed. when people have noticed my weight gain, i viewed the the comments in a positive sense because i was able to show people my progress and prove to them that i was capable of changing myself.

i felt proud, strong, and a survivor.

i was able to convince myself from committing this slow suicide, this gradual torture, and this dysmorphic thought. These comments were either subtle or loud, but ignoring its method, i strutted my new body in front of the crowds of people. the people that once disliked me looked at me with even more disgust since they thought that i was never going to get better, and the people that cared for me looked at me with a loving sense. i felt fresh, new, and ready for the real world.

"Do I look any different?"

I ask my old friend that I have not seen since three months ago. Looking at me from head to toe, he nodded quickly, as he right away noticed the sudden change in my appearance. He shortly replied,

"You look you, the real 'you.'"

My smile became wider as my grin was harder to wipe off. I did look me - the typical, loud girl that always shouted her usual daily opinions and frolicked around from one place to another. That typical girl was back and new, and she was ready to resume a part of her life. 

...

So where does the word "annoying" tie into this?

Out of all honesty, I found the comments rather euphoric since i worked so hard on my progress. I had to kill all thoughts of my ed and replace it with refreshing ideas. thus, i did not find anything annoying. BUT because my anorexia shrunk my bone density by a LOT, one, if observing very closely, can observe my small bones particularly around my shoulder even though I had loads of fat surrounding it. Therefore, when my mom looked at my shoulders, it gave her an old flashback. Anorexia gave me mementos (unfortunately): shrunken bone density and a weak heart. The weak heart, luckily, is something that she does not see, but watching my bones in my shoulders automatically gave her this unlucky flashback. 

That was what my anorexia gave me - shrunken bones that would unfortunately remain for quite a while. 

However, i forgot to mention one part of my story - i liked someone that also liked me back. For the first time, i actually felt emotion, and though one may find it very dumbfounded for someone to remark their feelings as a one-time treasure, i did not know how to clearly explain it to someone. as someone who was always emotionless, bewildered by horror stories, and felt only agitated everyday, i never understood what emotion truly was. 

yes, i may have been "happy" from time to time, but it was not real happiness. my personality was still stripped from me and so did my pride. i forgot what it was like to actually have feelings for someone (and no, i do not seriously mean 'falling in love and you would live happily ever after' type of feeling), and once it came back, i fell in love with not the person, but with "emotions." I forgot the I had the ability to feel, to imagine, and to dream.

My dreams were vanquished when I was anorexic, and all I saw were black screens of darkness. It took a month until my dreams began to reappear, and my feelings also returned within the week of that month. 

Anyway, he made me feel as if I never had an eating disorder because there was something to him that made me feel my original self. I did not have to think about anything, and all I cared about was exploring and being happy. That is how I easily fell for him. I wanted to always thank him for that

 

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